Hey guys, it’s been a while since I posted and today I’ve decided to do a real talk post and I haven’t yet decided whether I’m going to make this a series or if it’s just going to be this one rambling post.
Warning before I get started: this post will be extremely long, if you are going to read please read all the way through.
So a lot of things have been changing in my life, one of the major things has been my decision to move back home and finish out school at Georgia State instead of sticking in Valdosta. I made this decision for myself because I was having problems with severe major depressive episodes to the point where I could barely get motivated to get out of bed in the morning. I chose to come back to a place where I knew people and I had a good community that I could reach out to.
There were quite a few problems at Valdosta but I’m not going to get into that because it’s in the past and while I am still learning from the times there, there is no point in dwelling on things that can’t be changed. This brings me to another things that I am changing in my life personally and that is the fact that I am trying my best to gain back control of my own life. I need to gain back control of my own life. That means that I can no longer try to be pleasing people with a false image of myself as some perfect person that has all of my shit together. That’s how I feel like some people see me and I just can’t be a liar like that because as of right now I feel like I have no control of anything.
A few reasons that I feel like I have lost control are the fact that I am living on other people’s time. I don’t get to do whatever I want whenever the time suits me, but I feel like I have to wait for other people or do what other people want me to do before I can go do what I want. This is something that I realized in Valdosta when I really didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have a car and I made the stupid decision to move off campus with someone who I thought was a friend and would be happy to help me out by giving me a ride. There were days where I would be left on campus for hours before anyone could give me a ride home or there were days where I couldn’t go into campus because no one could give me a ride. It was incredibly frustrating and it angered me to no end that this was happening. There was nothing that I could do about it in Valdosta but now that I am home I’m going to start taking the time for myself and I’m going to throw myself more into my music and my writing and the things that make me happy and help me to feel like I’m actually living for me.
The second reason I feel like I have no control is the fact that I do feel like I have to be perfect all the time and that I just have to please everyone because if the people in my life are not happy with the way that I am then I can’t be happy with it either. Before now I would have completely believed that sentence and I really did for a long time but I can’t do that anymore because that belief is what has led to some deep dark places. This one is going to be something that is difficult because I don’t know how to stick up for myself, I don’t know how to correct someone when I know what they are saying is wrong and I don’t know how to speak my mind when someone starts talking about things that they don’t have a complete understanding of. I don’t know if I put this on my list of pet peeves or not but since I’m being honest I’ll put it here, I hate people who run their mouths like they know something about my life or what I’m trying to do with my life. I am the only one who knows what I want to do with my life and I am the only one who will ever really know what I want to do and everyone else only knows what I feel like telling them. The funny thing is that even though I can type this up, I probably won’t get up the courage to say it out loud to people who need to hear it from me.
I have learned over the last two years while I’ve started really getting into my writing and then writing music and starting to really find my own voice that I really just need to stop caring what other people think of the decisions that I make with my life. My life is exactly that, mine and I can do what I want with it and I shouldn’t have to be criticized harshly for everything I choose to do but it happens. I’ve been trying to live more positively and I know that in order to that I need to be able to move on from the past, not forget it because believe me I screwed up and there’s no way I can forget, but not holding on so tight that it dictates everything else I do. A few months ago I finally cut an ex-boyfriend out of my life that I know was holding me back and I was letting it hold me back because I would message him occasionally and I would see pictures of him with his girlfriend on Instagram and Facebook and it would kill me on the inside. I cut him out completely and I’m trying to move on but sometimes the past holds wounds that never heal and it’s hard to move on when there’s someone constantly throwing salt on them.
This post is marking the beginning of a new chapter for me and a big change. I don’t know if it will be positive or negative but either way I’m moving toward being more positive and anyone who does something to hinder that will probably get cut out because I can’t be held back and controlled forever and eventually I will find the words to say this out loud and finally be free to live my life for me.
Sorry for that long rant but I needed to get it out and it’s been weighing on my heart for a long time.
Here is a playlist of all of my original music on YouTube. A lot of the songs are about some of the things that I talked about in this post so if you’re interested please go and listen.